A game between Bolton and Fulham was never likely to be a classic, this being the fifth 0-0 draw in ten fixtures between the sides at the Reebok.  Maybe that’s why only 20,352 turned up for the first game of the season.  Given the weather, there were more enjoyable things to do.

Expecting Owen Coyle to immediately transform Bolton’s dysfunctional game into something more dynamic would be foolish. He is after all, working mainly with the squad that his predecessor assembled in order to play dull football.  But more evidence that he’s moving in the right direction is required.

The centre back pairing coped easily with Bobby Zamora, but the defence as a whole is still too easy to get behind, particularly on the side that should be occupied by Gretar Steinsson.  Up front, the Whites were toothless, incapable of putting the opposition under sustained pressure.

The most damning criticism of Gary Megson, is that his players looked as if they were strangers to each other.  After a pre-season with Coyle and a whole host of friendly games, little progress has been made in that department.  Can we have some movement please?

A scoreless draw, against a side notoriously poor on their travels is not a satisfactory result (Fulham won one game and lost eleven away last season.)  Especially with a difficult September to come in which the points tally is likely to be zero.

Worse was to come for those Wanderers fans who tuned into Five Live on the way home where the BBC demonstrated their continuing contempt for Bolton by giving the match summariser’s gig to Stuart Hall.

Hall is many things, an irritating wanker being one of them, but he’s no football reporter.  The use of language is bad enough.  It reminds you of On Again, On Again, the song that Jake Thackray wrote about his wife.

‘…she is one of those women who
Will never use three or four words when a couple of thousand will easily do’

Belt Up Stuart. Forever.

But it’s Hall’s dodgy recall, that’s the killer.  He made snide remarks about Johan Elmander – at his brightest for some time,  but lavished praise on Kevin Davies, Martin Petrov and Lee-Chung Yong who were little better than passengers.

Davies was disinterested and wasteful in possession and Petrov had no end product, while Bolton’s favourite Korean import was so anonymous he could have been rechristened Lee Chung-Who?

Hall has his own personal clock museum.  It would be the ideal place to stash him once he’s been processed by the taxidermist, for he is the epitome of a man whose time has passed.

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Things couldn’t be more different.  This time last year there was a collective gloom amongst Bolton fans.  The previous season had ended with one win in eleven games, the summer signings were uninspiring and Gary Megson was still in charge.

There was an inevitability about the opening day defeat to Sunderland, which was far worse than the 1-0 score line suggested.  That Steve Bruce’s men won only once more on their travels said it all.

St Owen of Lostock Acknowledges the Throng

This time round there’s a quiet optimism and it’s all due to one man.  Owen Coyle arrived in January on a tidal wave of approval that’s yet to subside.   Where Megson was dull and uninspiring, Coyle has the energetic enthusiasm of a new puppy.  So much so, that you want to slap him sometimes.  Putting so much faith in a manager with precisely one year’s top flight experience might not be the wisest thing, but what the hell, football supporters need hope.

Not many clubs have splashed money about in the transfer window.  Bolton certainly haven’t.  That’s because they haven’t got any.   The much desired prolific goal scorer hasn’t arrived, but then only Nicolas Anelka and a pre-blubber Michael Ricketts, qualified for that description in the last decade, so it was always a forlorn hope.

Instead, there’s Robbie Blake, late of the unwashed hordes in Burnley.  Blake’s a capable operator. It’s just a pity he’s older than God.  But he may be a useful player to have on the bench, providing he doesn’t succumb to arthritis or senile dementia. Or have his zimmer frame nicked when the scallies from Liverpool come to visit.

Concessions have already been made to combat the advancing years.  Drinks bottles for the other players contain Lucozade, laced with electrolytes.  Robbie has Sanatogen in his.

Other than that, there’s Kevin Davies, who may feature less, and the almost always disappointing Johan Elmander.  At least Ivan Klasnic has returned – the best in the box poacher since Stelios.  Some athletes use the phrase ‘staying healthy’ in relation to avoiding injuries.  With Klasnic, it has an altogether more basic meaning.

Phil Gartside's Flatulence is Still Causing Problems

In defence, things look a tad worrying.   Marcos Alonso is unlikely to start in early season, so that leaves Paul Robinson at left-back.  The Angry Dwarf wasn’t the disaster that everyone feared he’d be, but he lacks pace and still has a tendency to tackle with the whole of his body, thereby removing himself from play.

On the other side of the pitch there is little to choose between Sam Ricketts and Gretar Steinsson.  Both look good going forward, but not so good at defending (ie their primary job function.)

It is to be hoped that Gary Cahill has fully recovered from losing a part of his skeleton and that he returns from the England camp unscathed and without having acquired John Terry’s taste for shagging anything with a pulse.

Then there’s Zat Knight.  All together now:

‘Big Titus Bramble.  You’re just a big Titus Bramble.’

It’s in the middle of the park where things look interesting.  Bolton have more midfielders than you can blow a Vuvuzela at.  The Whites were a disorganised mess in that area in Megson’s latter days.  Coyle improved things in that respect, but the downside was that the Whites created very few chances from January onward.

Can Bolton’s new man forge a cohesive unit from Fabrice Muamba, Sean Davis, Mark Davies, Joey O’Brien, Stuart Holden, Matt Taylor, Tamir Cohen, Martin Petrov, Lee Chung-Yong and Ricardo Gardner?

Resist the temptation to say ‘only he plays them all at the same time’.

The visit of Fulham isn’t an enticing one.  The Cottagers (they really need to do something about that nickname) arrive with a new and competent manager, and with tails still up after a splendid European run.  Bolton scored three consecutive home wins against them under Sam Allarydce, but other than that there have been two defeats and four draws, all of them 0-0, including last season’s result when Mark Clattenburg took his vendetta against Kevin Davies to new and ridiculous heights by disallowing a legitimate goal.

But enough of the naysaying.  It’s a new start and we’re feeling chipper.  Well, at least until September.

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Come breezeblock, let us spread harmony amongst the forumites

Here’s a brilliant contribution from ‘breezeblock‘ a prolific poster on bwfcforum

I went to the Fulham game by train. I don’t do it very often because it’s quicker to drive and no-one complains about the smell on the M60. The trains were slightly messed up because of some essential repairs in Preston…probably having electricity or running water installed. Met up with Wayne and some of the old BWFC board regulars and had a couple of Australia’s finest auburn blush hops-based beverage served in a delightful polyethylene terephthalate decanter (Fosters in a plastic bottle). Would have been nice to have a pint at half time but the queue at 3.39pm was already fourteen deep and I gave up by 4.53pm when that number was down to seven deep. Not only does the beer taste like sheep dip but you have to suffer a similar queuing process as the animals themselves do.

The game was horrible.

Spurted out of the ground to the station to catch a 4.50pm train that never existed. Watched an express train shoot by and waited some more. The next train only went to Manchester Victoria but we got on regardless. As we pulled away I saw forlorn face at the station gate, a cross between Pat Roach and Donald Sutherland…it was Wayne being manhandled and shackled by the transport police. Or maybe the platform was just full, either version is OK.

The announcer told us anyone going to Piccadilly should get off at Bolton. So we did. Then we found out the train to Piccadilly was another 40 minutes so we jumped onto the next train to Victoria where we waited 20 minutes for a Metrolink tram to Piccadilly that never existed. So we got a taxi and got stuck behind a traffic accident near High Street.

Some time later…

Manchester Piccadilly is a great station, fully refurbished, completely revamped. It has everything the modern day train traveller could ask for. It also has the highest number of football tourists immediately following a game at Old Trafford. Every accent, every dialect, every nationality, every single piece of crappy red merchandise from the MUFC superstore packed into endless throbbing carrier bags all shuffling around the concourse. The next train to Stockport was also the next train to Euston. It was a Virgin train, red on the outside and even redder on the inside. We claimed the last two available seats and watched as the middle-class, middle aged types around us tried to work out what BWFC stood for on my son’s hat. A kid opposite had the full MUFC kit on as well as the hat, scarf, MP3 player, magazine, carry bag. He was a walking advert for kackness. Thankfully the Mental Health Act will support people like him as he goes through his life thinking Old Trafford is in Surrey.

We are now arriving at Stockport…

My Thai bride was picking us up but the train had arrived much earlier than expected so I thought I’d have a crafty beer in the station cafe. We walked along the platform and watched the ‘United’ away day special disappear out towards Cheshire without its pointless and valueless cargo and I prayed I would never have to endure such an ordeal again. Surprisingly Jesus heard those prayers. He must have done, he was standing just a few metres away.

On Saturday the 6th February 2010 on platform 3 at Stockport Station I had an epiphany, a spiritual flash and suddenly the world and its fog of confusion was cut through with a blade of clarity so sharp that I now understood dimensional time properties, advanced nucleosynthesis, proportional cosmological principle theory and also why digital alarm clocks go fast when you keep your finger on the forward button but not so when you want to go back.

Jesus was just as I expected…he had a patchy beard, his hair was dark and limp and it licked at his shoulders, teased his angular jawline, delicately overhanging his Fulham training shirt. It was at this moment I realised that Jesus had some friends with him, disciples if you prefer…and one of them bore an uncanny resemblance to Damien Duff. Jesus was Jonathan Greening and he, along with the full Fulham squad and the entire backroom staff of Fulham FC were holed up in the Pumpkin Cafe Bar at Stockport Station following a delay. Their train hadn’t even made it north yet in order for it to turn around and become south bound and full of folk looking like supreme beings…and Damien Duff.

I explained to the womb-monkey that these were the same people we had watched just a few hours ago. The Fulham physio went for a piss and said hello before realised the scarves we had on were blue and white, not black and white. There were so many people in the cafe we couldn’t get in…I looked across at Jesus and although he smiled it was clear there was no room at the inn.

As we walked down the stairs Roy Hodgson was walking up. Hello Roy, I said, I think you got away with that today…I said smiling.
“What?” he replied.
“Were you happy with that in the end?”
“What, the game or the point?” he asked.
“The point…the game wasn’t much to watch from either side.”
“Do you watch that every week,” he enquired.
“Yep, home and away,” I answered and Roy, now at the top of the stairs and us near the bottom, lifted up his chin and gestured his hand to the roof.
“You must have strong necks to watch that every week.”
“Strong necks and thick skins,” I said before wishing him a safe journey.

Outside the dragon was sitting patiently in the car park and we headed home to an evening of Junior Scrabble and as much Vimto as we could stomach. I thought Roy was quite rude but it’s pointless wishing bad things upon him because no matter where he goes, Jesus goes with him.

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Your guide to all the pre-match predictions and Mystic Meggery ahead of Chelsea v Bolton Wanderers

Reasons to be cheerful…
1. Only Arsenal have a better record at Stamford Bridge than Bolton in recent years… in fact we have only lost once in our last five visits to Chelsea.

2. Kevin Davies isn’t too disappointed that his rumoured January move to Chelsea never materialised. In fact, he thought it was as funny as everyone else did.

3. Bolton are able to name the same team that thrashed Middlesbrough last week, whilst Chelsea have one or two defensive selection headaches.

4. Due to our shocking performances in cup competitions, Chelsea have played 15 games more than Bolton so far this season.

Reasons to be fearful…
5. Chelsea have rather a lot to play for… Bolton, on the other hand – having now proven that we’re not quite as bad as all the other really bad teams in the Premier League this season – do not.

6. Michael Essien did a pretty good job of silencing Steven Gerrard the other night, so he shouldn’t have too much bother with Gavin McCann.

7. By Gary Megson’s own admission, we’re absolutely useless against the big four these days.

8. And the Bolton manager appears to have half a mind on a spot of West End shopping while he’s in London.

9. We have only kept one clean sheet in our last 19 Premier League games.

10. As usual, Megson has made a point of letting his opposite number know just how fantastic he thinks he is… although the ginger one has at least stuck the boot in by tipping Manchester United for the title (not that this will exactly endear him to Wanderers fans).

11. Chelsea have lost just once since Guus Hiddink replaced Phil Scolari… oh, and they had quite a good win in Europe mid-week.

12. Chelsea seem to think we won’t leave without putting up a fight (see Petr Cech below for more Bolton Wanderers cliches). Clearly they didn’t see our performances at Fulham, Spurs and Stoke earlier this season.

Reasons to be bored…
13. Here’s the obligatory pre-match “Bolton are a really tough side because they play direct football” bullshit, this week starring Petr Cech.

Share your predictions for the game in the comment box below…

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Your guide to all the predictions and Mystic Meggery ahead of Bolton Wanderers v Middlesbrough

Reasons to be cheerful
1. Middlesbrough have far more injury concerns – Tuncay, Adam Johnson, Robert Huth to name a few – than Bolton, although Andy O’Brien will be back in contention for a place, so…

2. Boro are currently 19th in the Premier League, largely because they have failed to score in 10 of their last 13 league games.

3. Gareth Southgate’s men suffered a demoralising defeat at Stoke last time out.

4. Southgate has even turned to social networking site Twitter as he tries to find answers ahead of today’s clash (allegedly).

5. When Bolton played Middlesbrough at the Riverside earlier this season we recorded one of our best results of the season.

6. According to this analysis, Boro are seriously lacking a captain, creativity in midfield, strikers, mental toughness and a decent goalkeeper. And you thought Bolton have got it bad.

7. Kevin Davies will be determined to prove Fabio Capello wrong, although given that England won both games last week, that’s actually quite a difficult thing to do. Even if Davies scores a hat-trick, I’m sure Mr Capello will sleep quite well tonight. Still, at least Bolton fans will have a good night.

Reasons to be fearful
8. Much like when Bolton travelled to Middlesbrough near the end of last season, Boro will be desperate for a win and, given that Bolton have not exactly been ripping up trees lately, they’ll have earmarked this as a game they can get points from as they seek to avoid the drop… well that’s what it says here anyway. Of course, if Boro weren’t in desperate need of points then I’m sure this story would have been replaced by the usual “we don’t fear Bolton’s physical approach” bullshit.

9. Bolton have not won in over a month and Mark Davies won’t be around to help change that.

10. As usual, Gary Megson has been doing his best to make our opponents feel better about themselves.

11. In our last home game, when nobody gave Fulham a chance, we managed to get beaten 3-1 thanks to some woeful defending.

12. So if Southgate’s plan to go on the attack is true we could be screwed… especially if Andy O’Brien is playing again.

What are your predictions for today’s game between Bolton Wanderers and Middlesbrough? Have your say in the comment box below…

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The Bolton manager really does need to think before he speaks…

It’s been another bad PR week for Gary Megson. Not for the first time, the messages coming from the Bolton manager’s office have done little to help his already fragile relationship with Wanderers fans.

It all started with another round of booing, both during and after the 3-1 defeat to Fulham at the weekend.

The message that came out of the Reebok in response to questions about the fans’ backlash were extremely contradictory.

On the one hand, Megson was telling the Manchester Evening News that:

We’ll get battered by our own supporters, which is understandable… You can’t expect anything different unless you are winning games and playing well and we’ve done neither. We’ve had a really poor day collectively.

On the other hand, he told The Bolton News:

You listen to the reaction of people around here and you would think you had taken over Real Madrid, and there had never been a poor performance.

Those two quotes appear to have actually come from the same interview, but the mixed messages they sent out are reflected in the different headlines they generated:

- From Bolton Wanderers Mad… Megson: We deserve stick

- From ClubCall… Megson continues war of words with supporters

The result is that the wedge being driven between the pro and anti-Megson Wanderers fans grows ever wider, as Vital Bolton Wanderers points out in this article: Civil war erupts at Bolton.

Given his track record of rubbing fans up the wrong way, Megson is either deliberately trying to divide and rule or he’s just incredibly bad at PR and needs to be sent on some kind of media relations training to stop him putting his foot in his mouth all the time.

What do you think? Have your say in the comments box below…

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How the national press reported Bolton’s 3-1 home defeat to Fulham

The Guardian’s match report focuses on Gary Megson berating Andy O’Brien and Gavin McCann for their woeful performances. As ever with Megson, though, there was a little bit of left-over criticism for the fans:

By the sound of it you’d think we had taken over Real Madrid, and there’d never been a poor performance here before.

“Simply awful” was the Daily Mail’s judgment on Bolton’s defending in a report which rather bizarrely focuses almost entirely on the part Fulham could play in the title race (who cares? Same goes for the Mirror too). Of more interest to Wanderers fans is their verdict that we are “far from safe”.

The Times preferred to praise Fulham for their excellent performance, but the Telegraph were pretty much right when they said that there were no red noses but “plenty of red faces” at the Reebok Stadium.

The Express went for a similar gag as they compared O’Brien to a clown. The Express also points out that the £10 admission price couldn’t tempt more than 180 Fulham fans to make the journey north – hardly surprising given their shocking record on the road prior to Bolton rolling over and letting them tickle our bellies on Saturday.

The Independent says that the only people who deserved – and got – any respect from the Bolton fans were the soldiers who paraded round the pitch before kick-off.

Disagree? Have your say in the comments below…

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The Bolton Wanderers match report you won’t read in the papers (or see on Match of the Day)

Here’s what the various Bolton Wanderers discussion forums made of the 3-1 home defeat to Fulham on Saturday…

Positives
- “It was just a bad day at the office. There are no major problems.”

- “Gary Cahill had a good game considering who he was playing next to, he was Man of the Match” … “and Mark Davies played well too.”

- “We have to be realistic. Our place in the league is still pretty good considering the resources Gary Megson has at it his disposal. Even Brian Clough couldn’t get us above 10th.”

Negatives
- “We were so bad it was almost comical” … “our worst performance for a long, long time” … “we are in an absolute mess right now.”

- “The performances of the two teams dispelled the myth that it’s better to play less games or not be in cup competitions.”

- “Fulham played us off the park.”

- ” Andy O’Brien made Andy Johnson look like Thierry Henry” …”he was absolute garbage again” … “and his sarcastic clap towards the fans was totally out of order too.”

- “Gavin McCann is a Championship player too.”

- “O’Brien is not the only one to blame. Jussi Jaaskelainen doesn’t command his box enough.”

- “The players couldn’t control the ball or find another white shirt. Megson had no Plan B” … “we had nothing but long ball” … “the players deserved all the boos they got because they were completely gutless.”

- “Why didn’t Ebi Smolarek and Chris Basham even make the bench?”

- “Those who were saying relegation was off the cards because of an easy run-in against the likes of Stoke and Fulham will not be sitting so comfortably now” … “our own survival last year shows that anyone could stage a miracle survival run and we could be the victims of that this time.”

- “It’s difficult to be optimistic about playing the likes of West Brom when other poor teams have taken us apart so easily.”

- “We’ll be lucky to stay up and need a massive clear out of players this summer” … “this is the worst Bolton team of the last ten years” … and “that was the worst Bolton performance since we came in to the Premier League in 2001.”

- “And there certainly isn’t a cat in hell’s chance of us making the Uefa Cup.”

- “If there is a God then he will take this negative, inept manager away from us” … “we are going to lose thousands of fans very soon because of Megson” … “especially if he continues to blame the fans when we lose!”

- “What happened to Ladies’ Day?”

Disagree? Have your say in the comments box below…

Watch video highlights of Bolton 1-3 Bolton here

Sources: BBC 606, The Bolton News, Rivals, Bolton Wanderers Mad, The Wanderer, Burnden Aces.

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All the goals from Bolton’s 3-1 home defeat to Fulham yesterday…

Have your say on the goals in the comment box below…

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Your guide to all the pre-match gossip and Mystic Meggery ahead of Bolton v Fulham

Reasons to be cheerful
1. Fulham have not won away from home this season and have only scored three goals on their travels. Basically they’re completely useless away from Craven Cottage.

2. Defeat against Blackburn also shows they’re tired and running out of steam, according to Roy Hodgson.

3. There should be a big crowd to cheer on the Whites, thanks to the club’s £10 ticket offer and Ladies Day.

4. Like pretty much every manager, Hodgson seems to think aerial prowess is our only threat.

5. In the nine days since we last played, Fulham have played twice.

6.The Stoke game aside, we’re on a good run with three wins from five.

7. Aaron Hughes is injured for the visitors. Someone called Toni Kallio will play instead.

Reasons to be fearful
8. Victory could see us climb as high as ninth, so expect nose bleeds all round.

9. By Gary Megson’s own admission, we were bloody awful against Stoke.

10. Fulham took us to pieces at Craven Cottage earlier this season.

Share your predictions for the game in the comment box below…

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